It is a quiet Sunday night, and Bert and Edna, an elderly couple are sitting on the porch swing.
The pair has been married in fifty-five years. Both of them are sipping tepid tea as they feed squirrels in the yard who are fighting over a Cheeto as the sun goes down and the birds sing.
Edna exclaims upon a sudden and states, “Bert, shall we talk about our bucket lists?”
Bert raises his eyebrows. Buckets lists? I am eighty-seven, Edna. The last thing on my list is to wake up tomorrow and remember where I place my pants.
Edna laughs. No, I am not joking. Before we die, each of us should also do something we have always wanted to do, and never got the chance to do it.
Bert thinks before speaking. Oh, very well, very well. I have always wanted to go sky diving.
The eyes of Edna become bigger. “Skydiving? Bert, the last time you knelt down to tie your shoe you stayed down three minutes.
Bert shrug. Well, if I fall in midair, just let me land in the neighbor -s garden. I have never had but one objective–to haunt him.
They laugh and Edna nods. Ah, all right, all right. You make a sky-dive. I will do mine too.
Bert squints. And what hast thou?.
Suddenly, Edna’s eye looks mischievously as it did in 1965 when she accidentally threw out the car window Bert bowling trophy in the middle of a fight.
I long wanted to say something to you, Bert.
Bert swallows. What is your confession?
As your favorite recliner mysteriously leaned to the left every time over the last 20 years. Edna is murmuring and is leaning closer.
Bert nods his head. Did I blame the dog? Yes, I did. it hobbled on, poor darling, weeks.
Edna grins. Well, I have done it. The year 1989: after you spilled grape soda on my brand-new curtains, I stuck a spatula in the bottom.
Bert gasps. You are a monster!
Edna chuckles. “And remember how no matter which button you pushed the remote would change to the Hallmark channel?”
Bert blinked. Haunted! you said!”
Edna smiles. “No. I stuck a penny in the compartment to short-circuit the battery. You have not missed a Christmas romance movie in the last five years.
The jaw of Bert drops. “Why did you do that?”
Edna drinks her tea calmly. “Cause slow-motion snowball fights and mistletoe are the most excellent means of revenging on a person, honey.
Bert thinks a moment, then sits back in the swing and tells Edna, “You know what? I have another confession too.
Oh?, she inquires.
Do you remember my Saturday fishing expeditions that took a decade?
Edna looks at him. “One does not go fishing.”
says Bert with pride, “I am aware. “I had been at the alley bowling.” I won four awards. They are located in the basement behind the water heater.
Edna gazes at him unbelievingly. You did toss a phony trophy out the car window, did you? By accident, of course.
The two began to laugh.
Edna bought a new recliner and Bert went sky diving and now they go bowling together every Saturday, mostly just to look out for each other.
An 85-year-old couple who had been married almost 60 years tragically died in an automobile accident and ended up at the Pearly Gates.
The last decade had seen them in great physical form due to the wife -fixation on work-outs and healthy eating.
St. Peter gave them a warm welcome and then showed them their new abode in heaven that had a gourmet kitchen, a Jacuzzi, a big bedroom and even a pool table.
“Whoa! How much does this cost? asked the husband.
St. Peter said, nothing. Its all free, this is heaven!.
And then he would give them a title-golf course, a few miles drive near their home, where they could play at any time they wished, and where they had an angel as caddy, and a course that was different every day, and resembled the most perfect greens in the world.
said the wife, delighted. What of the green fees?
Free, laughed St. Peter. This is heaven.
After that, they had a tour of a five-star restaurant which offered an unlimited buffet consisting of prime rib, lobster, Wagyu beef, exotic vegetables and dream-like desserts.
The husband said, still uncertain, How much?
Well, sir,–for the last time… It’s free. The Heaven is here!
The husband drew back. So, what about low-fat, low-cholesterol ones?
St. Peter laughed. In heaven, you will not get sick or gain weight. Eat anything you wish!
The husband turned red, then punched his fists together and started shouting at the sky.
Puzzled his wife asked, What is it?
He screamed, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT and he pointed at her. without your paleo chicken and bran muffins we would still be here today!