I’m really mad. That’s exactly what my mum does: she always keeps an eye on my kids. From the moment our first child was born, she stepped in like it was second nature. No complaints, no second thoughts. She was there for every illness, every school pickup, every time someone scraped their knee, and every time someone was upset during nap time. When my wife and I went back to work full-time, we depended on her. She wasn’t just sometimes the most important person in our home; she was all the time. She always brought steadiness to our lives and tamed the chaos. And now, after all these years, she claims she’s done?
She says she wants to “live life.” Like that’s a good enough explanation for everything to be okay. What about our lives? We still need to do stuff. The bills keep coming. We still have to go to meetings, fulfil deadlines, and pick up sick kids from the crèche, assuming we can afford one. It’s not amusing how much it costs to take care of kids. We are already having trouble making ends meet, and now we have to pay hundreds of dollars per month. The thought of hiring a full-time babysitter or even a part-time creche makes me feel like I’m about to lose my mind. She knows that. She knows how stressed we are.
And of course, she isn’t working anymore. She doesn’t have to work every day. She doesn’t have to do a lot of work or answer to anyone. So why now? Why leave when we need her the most? It looks like she’s going back on a promise that was never written down but was always known. This group is like family. This is how we may help one another. She knows how hard it is since she raised me. Isn’t it customary for her to assist raise her grandkids now that it’s my turn?
That’s how I always thought about it. A circle: parents take care of their kids, the kids grow up, and then everyone supports each other in the next stage. Isn’t it true that grandparents are in that group? They don’t just come for photographs and birthday parties. They’re joining in. They help. That’s how I thought it worked, anyway. It was a huge blow when she said she wouldn’t be babysitting anymore, at least not on a regular basis. It seemed like a betrayal. I felt alone. I couldn’t believe that someone so dependable could depart.
But then she said something.
She said she hadn’t planned to answer, but she felt like she had to. What she said changed the way I thought about things.
She warmly but firmly told me that she loves us. She really loved and cared for her grandchildren. Her heart is still the same. But she also made it clear that she doesn’t want to be a full-time babysitter without pay. And she never said yes to being one. She said something I hadn’t really thought about: that she had been a mom for decades. For a long time. She had trouble sleeping, money problems, and feeling emotionally drained. She did what she was told to do. She is 71 years old now and wants to make the most of the time she has left to herself.
She said her knees hurt, she was getting less and less energy, and she wanted to spend her days doing things that made her happy, like dancing, having brunch with friends, volunteering, and travelling. She does care about her family, though. But she’s always placed other people before herself, and now she’s finally trying to put herself first.
To be honest, I had never thought of it that way before.
To me, she was just “Mom.” You can count on her. She was a dependable source of help. But she’s not a machine. She is a person with her own needs, wants, and limits. She has every right to get her time, body, and quiet back. She said she would still be there when we absolutely needed her, but not because she had to be.
That part stuck with me.
She isn’t leaving. She’s merely setting rules. She makes regulations that are good for you and necessary. I recognised that the anger, doubt, and annoyance I was feeling weren’t just because I had to take care of kids. It was about what people thought. About the thought that her love meant never saying no. That support meant being there, no matter what it took.
She isn’t saying she doesn’t love us, though. She only means that she needs to love herself as well. And she really does deserve that.
In one of her last comments, she said, “If my son thinks I owe him free childcare for life, maybe he needs to learn how to be thankful.” That hurt. But it was fair. At one point, I stopped thinking of her support as a gift and started to expect it. I didn’t like how much time, energy, and freedom she offered us with my kids.
I get it now. I can see her. She is not only my mother or my children’s grandmother; she is a whole person who has already done a lot of good things.
I still feel like I have too much to do. We still don’t know how we’ll handle everything in the future. But maybe this is what I need to wake me up. I need to be a better parent, appreciate what I have, and stop expecting people to take care of me forever.
Mom never paid attention to the kids. She was the bridge that helped us get to the other side when we needed it most. But you can’t live on bridges all the time. You cross, and then you move on. And now, maybe it’s time for us to let her go on to something else too.