I had planned a romantic trip with my wife for our major anniversary, with no work or other things to do. It became a chore when our daughter insisted on bringing her husband, their kids, and her husband. It was odd to say no after years of meeting her needs. I did it to remind everyone, even myself, who this occasion was for.
My name is Henry. I am 66 years old, have been married for 40 years, and have four kids and six grandkids. Denise and I had spent our life raising kids and working, but now that we’re retired, we wanted to do something just for us.
We planned our trip for our 40th anniversary for years. Only the two of us. We went on a romantic trip to Oregon’s rocky coast, where we rented a peaceful inn with ocean views and a fireplace that burned wood. We imagined waking up early, drinking coffee, wandering along the cliffs hand in hand, and getting to know each other without any interruptions.
Our youngest daughter, Amanda, found it. Things went wrong.
Amanda has always been good at getting people to do what she wants. She knows how to use a conversation to her advantage. One night, she came to our house with her two kids. She seemed anxious yet resolute.
“Mom, Dad,” she said at dinner, “I just heard about your anniversary trip.” What? Oregon? That sounds great.
We gazed at one another. We knew that sound. As expected, she leaned in.
“Kids would love it.” Nature, rocks, and the ocean are all around it. You normally put your family first, right?
Denise smiled politely. “Sweetheart, it’s a place for couples to get away.” We had romantic and calm ideas.
Amanda looked like she was in disbelief. Wait a minute, you’re not taking us?
Her five-year-old ran down the hall after our cat, and her two-year-old hit a spoon on the table.
I didn’t say anything as Denise chatted. I wanted to see how far Amanda could make her mom feel bad.
“Are you really going on this great trip and leaving us behind?” Amanda asked with wide eyes. Kids will be unhappy. They really like their Nana and Papa. I don’t think you would have come here without us.
I could tell that my wife’s face changed from firm to doubtful. Amanda knew she had an advantage, so she pushed harder.
“We hardly ever get to go anywhere,” she said. You two are done with work! You keep changing the kids’ diapers and taking them to school. Let’s do a real family excursion. You would help me remember things.
Then I became involved.
I remarked in a low voice, “Amanda, this is a party for our wedding.” “We love being with you and the kids, but this trip is just for Denise and me.”
Amanda held her chest since I had told her we would be leaving them behind on Christmas.
You always tell me that family comes first, Dad. Can you please tell me why that is no longer important?
The next two weeks were awful. Amanda phoned almost every day. She came around with the kids more often. Every time I went, I learned something new.
“Mom, the Florida resort I chose is cheap and family-friendly.”
Dad, don’t you want your grandkids to remember you as fun grandparents who took them on great trips?
“You don’t know how hard it is to be a parent right now.” We only need a little help.
Denise finally gave in.
“Maybe she’s right,” she said one night while watching TV. They are tired. And kids would love it.
“What about us?” I asked. Where did the quiet we thought would happen go? The love? “The calm?”
She let out a sigh. “Even though everything else is going on, maybe we can still have that.”
I agreed to keep the peace. We had to adjust our reservation from a hotel in Oregon to a big room at a Florida resort. We would pay for the lodging and the kids’ stuff, and Amanda and Sean would pay for their tickets. I thought it would be fun.
Amanda changed her mind as the vacation came closer. It was obvious that it wasn’t a family trip.
She and Sean would get to go on free trips.
She called once and said, “Don’t forget to bring snacks for the kids.” “Food at resorts is too hit-or-miss.”
We’re also going to spend a day at the spa. You two would watch the kids, right? “Bonding will be good!”
The talk was the last straw.
Two nights before our flight, she called Denise.
“Hey, can you do me a quick favor?” Amanda said it like it was no big deal. Can you all stay up for three or four nights? I want to go out with Sean at night.
That’s all.
They took advantage of us instead of joining us.
The anniversary getaway morphed into a week of free childcare. Instead of taking long walks and having candlelight meals, they would have to change diapers and keep their kids on a schedule.
I was done.
There were no fights that night. I replied yes, kissed my wife’s forehead, and went to bed. I called the airline the next morning when Denise was out conducting errands.
“I need to change our tickets back to where we were going.”
The agent typed on the keyboard. Sir, we have two seats available in Oregon. “Same dates.”
“Make a reservation for them.”
I called the hotel, then. We still have our old room.
It felt good.
The night before we left, I put Denise down.
“I have news.”
She made a face. What is it?
“Not going to Florida.”
She blinks. What?
I smiled. We’re going to Oregon. I have changed our tickets as needed. The same inn will be where we stay. There were only two of us. As planned.
She looked at me like she didn’t believe me. “But Amanda—”
“Will be fine.” It’s okay if she’s upset. She will be OK.
Denise laughed and put her hand over her lips in shock. “You old man, you.”
“You’ve always wanted a man who keeps you on your toes.”
She laughed and cried again. “I didn’t know how much I needed this until now.”
As I waited at the airport gate the next morning, I contacted Amanda.
She answered on the third ring.
“Hey, Dad? Did you make it to the gate? Sean is stressed out about the flight time.
“We’re not coming, Amanda.”
Shut up.
Then: “What?”
We’re traveling to the state of Oregon. “Only you and your mom.”
“Are you kidding me?” she said. You went? What do you think about the resort? What about the kids?
I told them, “I’m sorry you’re upset.” “This trip was never about taking care of kids.” It was about our marriage. So we did what they asked.
She didn’t like it.
“You’re selfish!” she shouted. “We can’t afford help at the last minute!” Are you thinking about how your grandkids are doing?
“I care enough to know when to tell my daughter that limits are important,” I said.
Then I hung up.
The excursion was just what we needed. We walked along the cliffs in quiet, sipped wine by the fire, and talked like we hadn’t in years. No one cuts in. Not guilty. Just love.
Denise said “Thank you, Henry” across the table on our last night. She thanked us for choosing us.
My eyes filled with tears. “Always.”
Amanda didn’t say anything when we arrived home. Sean made fun of “some people who put ocean views ahead of family” on Facebook.
Frank, our oldest child, said they went to Florida. Amanda and Sean were stressed out the whole time. The kids had a good time, but the couple didn’t have much time.
Frank smiled and added, “They learned a lot.” “Going on vacation with little kids is hard without help.”
Amanda never said she was sorry, but she did adjust her tone. When she phoned again, she was humble instead of feeling like she had to. No one talked about the trip. It wasn’t necessary.
I have no regrets.
Sometimes, being a good parent means setting limits. It’s important for your kids to know that you’re more than just someone who helps them. Your love, time, and work are all vital. Parents can be pleased even when they’re not working.
What we got back made our 40th anniversary remarkable, not just where we went.
We ourselves.
