You should feel comfortable, cherished, and close to someone when you love them. You shouldn’t feel fatigued, bewildered, or that you don’t know how much you’re worth. But it might be hard to see the signs when you’re in a relationship where you’re not really loved and are just being used. But over time, a pattern begins to show up. If you feel more alone than supported, you might want to think about the connection. If you see these five symptoms, it signifies that someone is using you and not loving you.
1. Your boyfriend doesn’t care about how you feel.
Do they listen when you try to talk to them about anything that’s upsetting you? Or do they advise you to stop, downplay how you feel, or even get furious and defensive? You shouldn’t be scared of being turned down or penalized in a relationship. Both individuals should be able to talk about how they feel and what they think without being afraid. But if your partner doesn’t care how you feel, they don’t care about you.
You can feel like you’re walking on eggshells and avoiding extensive conversations to keep the peace. You don’t talk about your grief, anger, or anxieties since every time you did, others were cold or blamed you. They might say things like “you’re too sensitive” or “it’s all in your head.” This form of emotional invalidation hurts and makes you feel horrible about yourself. You begin to distrust what you see and wonder if your needs are actually fair. This isn’t love. This is emotional abuse and neglect.
2. Your partner only calls you when they need something.
When was the last time your partner called or texted you just to check in on you and didn’t expect anything in return? If you find that they are only polite, caring, or helpful when they want something from you, like money, a ride, help with a task, emotional support, or even sex, you are probably being used, not loved.
In a healthy relationship, both parties help each other and give and get in a fair way. But if you keep giving them your time, energy, and resources, and they only give back when it’s easy or helpful for them, the scales are not only off; they are also unfair. You are not their husband; you are a convenience.
The unpleasant problem is that people often think this is love. They might say things like “You’re amazing” or “I can’t picture life without you” at the correct times, but if they only say these things when they want something, they’re not being honest. There are no conditions on sincere love. It doesn’t simply come out when it needs food.
3. Your partner isn’t there for you, either emotionally or physically.
When you feel that you’re the only one in the relationship, that’s a significant clue that someone is using you. Your partner always tells you that they are “too busy,” “too tired,” or “stressed out” to be with you. But they always appear to have time and energy for things and people that don’t involve you. You don’t go on many dates, your phone calls are short or don’t happen at all, and when you try to connect, you get excuses or delays.
Even if it’s just for a few minutes during a busy day, people that want to be with you will find time for you. Love comes. Love tries. But if you’re the only one putting in the effort to keep the relationship going, you’re not building anything together; you’re doing it all by yourself. It’s evident that you’re not significant to them if they never come around. They merely keep you around in case they need you.
4. You don’t know any of their pals or have been in their life.
If you’re in a serious relationship, it’s normal to want to introduce your partner to the people who matter to you, such your friends, family, and coworkers. You want them to be in your life. If you’ve been dating someone for a while and haven’t met any of their friends or don’t know much about their lives outside of your relationship, that’s a significant red flag.
People that don’t let you into their social circle usually do so on purpose. They might not believe that the relationship is real or that it will last. They could be hiding something from you, like a separate relationship, a distinct part of themselves, or how they actually feel about you. If they don’t want you to meet their friends, make up vague justifications, or insist on keeping the relationship a secret, it’s not about privacy. It’s about keeping your distance so they don’t have to include you in a future they don’t really envisage with you.
People shouldn’t keep things secret. It gives the impression that they don’t care about you or that you don’t matter to them. Being a part of something is what love is all about.
5. There isn’t any real communication or depth of feeling.
Do you remember the last time you had a true talk with your partner? Not a text about dinner arrangements or small talk, but a serious conversation about your life, your troubles, and your hopes. If you can’t remember the last time you felt that strongly, it’s a significant thing.
To stay healthy, a couple needs to be able to talk to each other well. Without it, you can’t get close to each other or care for each other. Your partner doesn’t want to know you if you don’t talk to them much, don’t talk about anything vital, or don’t chat at all. They can wish to keep the relationship shallow because they don’t care about it or because they don’t want to become closer.
They care about what’s going on inside you when they love you. They ask queries. They listen. They remember what you say to them in small ways. But if you always start conversations that don’t go anywhere and stay superficial, it can feel like you’re talking to a stranger instead of a companion. And that’s precisely what you might be to them: a temporary stand-in instead of someone they actually want to create a long-term relationship with.
Being in a relationship where you are used but not loved is hard and awful. Things don’t all happen at once. It slowly takes away your vitality, confidence, and hope. You keep giving money, hoping things would get better. You come up with reasons for how they act. You think to yourself that you might be asking for too much. But love shouldn’t make you feel like you’re not good enough. You shouldn’t feel like you’re competing for bits of love.
It’s hard to perceive these indicators, but they are quite strong. It seems like you’re starting to get that you deserve more. You should be in a relationship where your feelings are important, your presence is appreciated, and your love is returned honestly. Being alone is never as lonely as being with someone who doesn’t care about you. Pick yourself. Get out of a relationship where you’re being used and make room for the sort of love that sees you, respects you, and is always there for you.
You deserve that. Always.