On a quiet afternoon, three old men sat next to each other on a wide wooden porch at a retirement home. The warm golden light of the setting sun shone on their wrinkled cheeks as they swayed back and forth in their chairs. They could hear birds in the trees and the sound of people working far away from the gates. They didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything important; they just had each other and the comfort of their normal existence.
The first man broke the silence by leaning forward, groaning, and sighing. “Guys,” he added, “I’ve got some big problems.” He looked at his friends, who averted their heads and only half-listened. “I’m seventy years old now. Every morning at 7:00 a.m., I try to go to the bathroom. Just give it a try. I keep trying all day long. I’ve seen doctors and specialists. They’ve given me a lot of different sorts of drugs, such teas, water tablets, and bladder relaxers. Nothing is functioning. Not a single drop. I swear, I spend more time in the bathroom than I do outside of it.
The second man shook his head and laughed without any emotion. “You think you’ve got it bad?” he said. “I’m 80. And every morning at eight, I sit on the toilet and try to poop. I drink fiber beverages, eat a lot of prunes, and take all the stomach medicines they promote on TV, but nothing works. I studied the paper for hours, hoping something would happen. “It’s like trying to get toothpaste out of a tube that hasn’t been used in ten years.”
The two of them looked at the third man, who was the oldest of the three. He had been quiet until now, just rocking back and forth with his arms crossed over his chest. Finally, he smiled and said, “Well, boys, I’m 90 years old.”
The other people seemed surprised. Ninety was not a joke.
“I have to go to the bathroom like a racehorse every morning at 7:00. No issues. Then, at 8:00, I had a great bowel movement. “No work, no fight.” It’s just smooth and effortless.
The first two guys looked astonished. The second individual asked, “What is the problem?”
The ninety-year-old stopped and grinned a little. “I don’t get up until 9.”
The people on the porch all started to laugh, the kind of laugh that only comes from being elderly and having a lot of problems. They laughed at life, at how strong the body was, and at how they never lost their sense of humor, even when they were elderly.
But there were many stories about long lives.
A man who was 97 years old walked into an insurance agency that was only a few blocks away. There were filing cabinets and ads on the walls, and it was a quiet environment. He was short, but he walked with pride. He wore a fine suit, polished shoes, and hair that was nicely slicked back. He strode up to the counter with confidence and said to the young insurance agent, “Hello, my son.” I want to buy life insurance.
The agent blinked and raised his head. He had never seen an old person stroll in by themselves and ask for life insurance before. He smiled and said, “Of course, sir.” I just want to know—if you don’t mind me asking—why do you want to get life insurance now?
The old man didn’t wait. “I’m going to Europe next month, and I thought it was the right thing to do.” My dad and I are going on a trip together.
The agent did not move. “Your… father?” he asked with some hesitation.
The old man responded, “Yes,” with pride and calm. “He’s 127.”
The agent’s jaw almost dropped. “127?!” Are you both heading to Europe? What for?
The old man smiled. “We’re going to my grandfather’s wedding.”
The agent almost fell out of his chair. “Wait—your grandpa? What is his age?
“Oh, about 150,” the old man said, waving his hand like it was no big concern.
The agent couldn’t believe it and said, “And now he’s getting married?” At 150?!
The old man leaned in a little and said, “Yeah, well… you know how it is,” at precisely the right time for a joke. His parents are finally making him settle down.
He tipped his hat, and the young man was so shocked that he might have changed his mind about all he thought he understood about becoming older, family, and how long we really are “too old” for anything.
These wacky, startling stories—whether they’re true, exaggerated, or just funny—can help us remember how great it is to become older. Things may slow down, but the enjoyment doesn’t have to.