A lot of families are at their breaking point because they have to take care of both their kids and their elderly parents. People are speaking up more often because they are stressed out by having to do everything—school drop-offs, work, and medical emergencies—sometimes without pay or aid.
As people get more and more tired, the questions about what family support really means get stronger. One of the readers, Nancy, wrote to say that she wouldn’t care for her mother unless she was paid to do so.
Nancy wrote:
Dear,
My name is Nancy. I’m 35 years old and a single mother with three kids: a 7-year-old, a 3-year-old, and a 6-month-old.
My 74-year-old mother lives with us rent-free and used to help me take care of my kids. Sadly, she fell badly and can’t help or be active anymore.
She didn’t want to go to a nursing home, so I offered to stay taking care of her at home as long as she compensated me for my time and work.
Her answer was not what I the person wanted to hear. “You owe me,” she responded. “I’m your mom!”
My oldest son called me that night in a panic. I couldn’t believe it.
My mother was in charge of everything. She had phoned a nursing home, and they were coming to get her. But that wasn’t the only thing that surprised me.
Half of the house had been carried away by a moving truck.
She had lost everything, even the furnishings she bought when I moved here. She even handed me my baby’s crib, which is now missing.
When I called her, she said, “This is what you get for not being grateful!” I looked after your kids for years. “Now that I can’t help, you’re ready to get rid of me!”
But I don’t think I’m being unjust. I am a busy mother of three, even though I am not a nurse.
I can’t take care of someone on my own because of the physical, mental, and financial implications.
At the very least, she could give money. I love my mom, but love doesn’t pay the bills or help me relax. There is nothing in life that doesn’t cost something.
Is it rude for me to ask about that?
—Nancy
Her story raises a question that a lot of families are addressing these days: when love and duty conflict, how can we know when to help and when to give up?