It’s normal and often very powerful to want to know more about someone when you first start dating them. Couples want to know everything about each other, like what they like to eat, what they did as kids, and what they want to do with their lives. But there are also questions that are more personal and, at times, touchy. A classic example is the question, “How many people have you dated before me?”
At first glance, this question might not seem so bad—after all, we’re social creatures with stories to tell. But when it comes to a new love, it usually signifies more than that. The numbers aren’t everything. It’s about wanting to learn more, making comparisons, feeling protected, and sometimes even feeling insecure. People might really want to know, “Am I unique?” Is there something about me that sets me apart? Should I be worried about your past? Some people ask this question only because they’re bored and don’t know how it can make them feel.
People can react extremely differently to this issue. Some people answer honestly and casually, as if they were reading off an old grocery list, and reel off their past relationships. People may be defensive, confused, or unclear because they don’t want their new relationship to get too difficult, they are humiliated, or they want to protect their private. Some people, like in this classic joke, utilize humor to deal with something that could be hard to talk about.
Imagine this: A couple who just got married is still in the honeymoon phase, lying in bed and enjoying their new life together. The ambiance is peaceful and loving. And then, as usual when they are calm and close, one of them asks a question out of the blue. The husband asks his wife, “How many guys have you gone out with before me?” He sounds calm, maybe even like he’s joking. He could be hoping for a low number or a funny story, or he could just be attempting to start a nice conversation.
His wife doesn’t say anything, though. She doesn’t chat or laugh; she just lies back and stares at the ceiling, lost in thought. At that point, the husband’s mind starts to race. Was there something wrong with what he said? Did he hurt her feelings? Was this a question he shouldn’t have asked? He tries to get better right away. “It’s fine,” he says, seeming a little apprehensive. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” He gives her a hug and a kiss to make things better.
The silence is dense and doesn’t seem to end. The husband probably wishes he hadn’t posed the question in the first place and wants to take it back. And then, just when things are about to get extremely awkward, the wife turns her head, looks at him with an angry look, and says, “Seriously?” You messed up my counting, and now I can’t think straight!
It works well as a joke because it goes against what people think. The husband and the audience think the wife will react in a big way or with emotion, but she’s just unhappy that she missed the count. Instead of a conflict, the topic evolves into a joke that everyone can enjoy.
This humorous twist gets to the heart of what relationships are actually about: how crucial it is to have fun. When things grow uncomfortable, partners may often get through it by laughing. If used correctly, it can help you relax, fill up emotional voids, and turn disputes into funny memories that you can look back on years later. The woman in this joke doesn’t avoid the topic; instead, she gives an answer that is both startling and revealing. “Yes, I’ve had a past, but we don’t have to act like it’s a court case,” she says in an over-the-top way.
This kind of joke also shows a greater reality about relationships: it’s crucial to remember that your partner had a life before you. Everyone brings their own experiences, hurts, and stories to a new partnership. If you pretend like you don’t care about your partner’s past or worry too much about how you compare to them, you can end up feeling angry or insecure. But being able to joke about such pasts and embrace them could really bring you closer and help you trust each other more.
The basic message of this joke is a cheerful and clever one: if looking too carefully at the past doesn’t benefit the present, it’s better not to do so. Or if you do ask, be ready for answers that might surprise you, make you laugh, or go against what you believed. And most importantly, be able to laugh. It doesn’t matter how many people your spouse dated before you. What matters is how they are now, when you laugh, are honest, and spend time together.
Stop for a second the next time you want to ask someone, “How many people have you been with?” Think about why you want to know. If the answer is “curiosity,” that’s fine. You might want to think about how you feel a little more if you’re feeling insecure. What if your partner merely stares at the ceiling and counts on their fingers? Just enjoy the moment and hope they have a funny story to tell.