People usually assess friendship by small acts of kindness, like being there for someone, giving them your time, or going the additional mile just because you care. But sometimes, those same gestures reflect something deeper: whether or not others actually appreciate your kindness or merely expect it.
I learned that lesson two weeks ago in a way I’ll never forget.
An Invitation That Made Me So Happy
When a great friend asked me to her baby shower, I was really pleased. A baby shower is more than just a get-together; it’s a big deal, a celebration of new life, and a chance to be with the people who mean the most to you. I wanted to make sure that her day was as spectacular as it could be.
So I said I will make the meals. There was enough food for fifty people, not just a few servings.
I imagined my friend smiling and thanking me, and the visitors eating the food. I also thought that guests would remember the party as a good time. My heart swelled at the thought of making such a great difference.
A Long Day of Work and Love
The day before the shower, I turned my kitchen into a sanctuary of love.
I chopped up vegetables until my hands hurt.
I made trays of both sweet and salty items.
I stood by the stove and stirred pots and tasted everything to make sure it was just right.
It wasn’t just food; it was my way of showing that I cared and honoring my friend and her new role as a mother. I thought of how pleased I would be to be there for hours, laughing, talking, and having fun with everyone.
My fridge was full, my feet hurt, and I felt happy by the end of the day.
But that happy sensation didn’t last long.
The Message That Ruined My Excitement
Just as I was getting ready for bed that night, my phone chimed. A friend wrote it.
She said:
“I’m really sorry, but I have to take you off the guest list.” The venue doesn’t have adequate space. I still hope you can get the food to me by tomorrow.
I read the words over and over again. My heart took a deep breath.
Not asked to come. She didn’t want me there after I had spent so much time getting ready for her party. She still needed my aid, my meals, and my efforts, but she didn’t want me to be there.
It sounded like someone saying, “I like your work.” No, you are not.
Choosing What to Say
I thought about the message for a long time, and my feelings were all over the place. Anger, pain, and not believing it. I wanted to yell at her and ask why she was treating me this way.
But then I stopped.
I didn’t quarrel; I answered calmly:
“Thanks for the invite.” I’m sorry, but I can’t bring the food either because my plans have changed.
That was it.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t ask. I merely drew a line.
The Aftermath
The next day, friends of both of us told me that the shower had not gone well. They didn’t have any food left. The event didn’t go as planned, and visitors were not happy.
I won’t lie; I thought I was right at one point. But I felt better than that. I knew deep down that this wasn’t just about food or a party.
It was about respect.
What I Learned
Looking back, I recognized that this was a turning point for me. It taught me one of the most important things about friends and how to appreciate myself:
Being nice doesn’t entail giving up your self-respect.
No matter how big or small it is, true friends care about what you do.
It’s okay to say no when someone doesn’t appreciate your kindness.
I’m not holding a grudge. I don’t want her to get hurt. But I don’t feel horrible about putting a limit on it. Boundaries are not walls; they are gates that keep us from getting tired and make sure that our energy goes to people who actually care about us.
A Thought for Seniors
People who are older might already know this lesson. A lot of us learned that being friends means giving and being there for each other. But as you get older, you learn that relationships should go both ways.
You should ask yourself, “Is this really a friendship, or is the other person just using me?” if you keep giving and not getting any respect back.
We appreciate our time, work, and care. We should spend our sixties, seventies, and beyond with people who make us feel good, not bad.
Put Yourself First.
At first, the baby shower incident hurt. But now I think it’s a good thing. It made me see that being demanded and being respected are not the same thing.
I don’t waste my time on those who only see me as a way to get what they want. I put money into relationships where respect is the most essential thing, being present is more important than providing, and being kind is met with thanks.
A true friend will never uninvite you and will always keep your food on the guest list. They will want you, not just what you can give them.
You should keep those friends.