What better way to start the day than with a good laugh? Laughter really is the greatest medicine. We’ve put up a lot of amusing jokes on the ups and downs of married life, including some that you would not expect, like sassy maids and naive husbands.
These jokes are a terrific reminder that you can find humor in the most unusual places, even when your marriage is going through a rough patch. So sit back, relax, and enjoy these amusing stories about love, life, and the odd difficulties in a marriage. These stories will make you laugh, which is a terrific way to connect with other people and make them happy.
Maid for a Raise
The maid asked her boss’s wife for a raise, but the wife didn’t like it.
“Helen, why do you think you deserve a raise?” the wife said.
Helen: “There are three reasons.” The first is that I can do a better job at ironing than you.
Wife: “Who said that?”
Helen: “Your man.”
Wife: “Okay.”
Helen: “The second reason is that I’m a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Who said that?”
Helen: “Your guy.”
Wife: “Oh.”
Helen: “The third reason is that I’m a better lover than you.”
Wife: “Did my husband say the same thing?”
Helen: “No, the gardener did.”
Wife: “What do you need?”
A surprise at the store
A man goes to the store and finds a beautiful woman waving at him. She says hello, and he is a little astonished because he can’t place her.
Then he asks, “Do you know me?”
She says, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
He remembers the one time he cheated on his wife and yells, “My God, are you the woman I had sex with by the pool at my bachelor party?” I cried when I learned I had cheated on my wife, and then I beat myself up for it.
“No, I’m your son’s teacher,” she says calmly while looking him in the eye.
Six Feet Under the Covers
She was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband open the door. “Don’t move,” she said. “He’s so drunk that he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
The husband fell into bed, but a few minutes later, through his drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He told his wife, “This bed has six feet.” There should only be four. What’s going on?
“You’re so drunk you counted wrong,” the wife said. Get up and do it again. You can see better from over there.
The spouse got up and started counting. “One, two, three, four.” You are right, dang it.
“I cheated once,” the husband said in the April Fools’ Duel.
Wife: I agree.
Husband: The first of April….
Wife: June 18.
Hostage Hostility
A burglar breaks into a house and holds the husband and wife hostage. He ties them both to chairs and has them sit back-to-back, looking in the other direction. The thief begins to steal from the house slowly and cautiously.
The robber is about to get away with all the goods while the homeowners are still tied up. One of them suddenly yells, “Please untie her and let her go!”
The thief says, “No, I’m not letting either of you go so that the police find out as late as possible.” Don’t worry, your neighbors will soon be curious about why your lights are still on at night and will check on you long before you die of thirst.
The man begs again, “Please, let her go.” “Anything!”
“I need to get away with this crime,” the thief adds again. I’m sorry, but I can’t take any chances.
The man moves his chair closer to the burglar and yells, “Please, just let her go!” in a fit of anger. I guarantee she won’t contact the police!
The burglar still wouldn’t move, but he felt it was quite beautiful how much his prisoner cared about his wife.
“Wow,” he said. “You must really love your wife if you are begging me to let her go.”
The man answered, “No,” evidently irritated. “My wife will be home in 15 minutes.”
Crisis in the Closet
A man gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He hurries upstairs and finds his wife on the bed, only in her underwear, panting and sweating.
He wonders, “What’s going on?”
“I’m having a heart attack!” the woman shouts.
He goes down the stairs to retrieve the phone, but just as he is ready to dial, his 4-year-old son walks up and yells, “Daddy!” Hey, Dad! “Uncle Ted is in your closet, and he’s not wearing any clothes.”
The man hangs up the phone and hurries upstairs to the bedroom, where his wife is crying. He then pulls open the door of the closet. His brother is crouching on the floor of the closet, absolutely naked.
The spouse says, “You heartless beast.” “You’re running around naked and scaring the kids while my wife is having a heart attack!”
Scent and Bias
A man leaves the residence of his mistress and goes home. But he knows that he smells like her scent. He then goes to the tavern nearby, has a couple shots of whiskey, and then goes home.
His wife met him at the door when he returned home. She smelled him and shouted, “You rude pig!” I’ll know you’ve been drinking if you pour a gallon of women’s perfume on yourself.
Looking Under the Bed
A woman asked what her husband would do if she left him. She wrote him a note that she was sick of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then crawled under the bed to wait for her husband to get home.
When he finally came home, he read the note that was on the table. After a few minutes of silence, he picked up the pen and wrote something else in the letter. Then he started to get ready, whistling happy music and dancing and singing along. He took out his phone and dialed a number.
His wife heard him chatting to someone from under the bed. “Hey babe,” he said, “I’m just getting dressed, and then I’ll be with you.” The other fool finally got out that I was cheating on her and fled. “I shouldn’t have married her; I wish we had met earlier.” Goodbye for now, sweetheart! He hung up the phone and left the room.
She was so sad that she crawled out from under the covers and stumbled over to see what her unfaithful husband had written at the conclusion of her letter. She read through her tears:
“I could see your feet, you silly.” “I’m going out to get some bread.”
Painful Work for Gains
The married couple headed to the hospital to have their baby. When they got there, the doctor told them he had created a new device that would move part of the mother’s labor discomfort to the baby’s father. They asked him if they wanted to try it.
They both genuinely wanted it to happen. The doctor started the pain transfer at 10%, adding that even that was probably more pain than the father had ever endured before. But as the labor dragged on, the husband felt well and asked the doctor to hurry things along.
Then the doctor modified the equipment so that it only sent 20% of the pain. The husband was still doing well. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
They chose to go for 50% at this point. The hubby was still feeling fine. The husband requested the doctor to give him all the agony because it was clearly helping his wife a lot.
When she gave birth to a healthy baby, she didn’t feel much discomfort at all. She and her spouse were very happy. The mailman was dead on the porch when they got home.
